Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: bed

I feel like dying

I'm so sick right now. I have a teeth problem, GERD, cough and cold, but here I dragging myself to class. It's like I'm dying, I have so many health problems. I hate it, added bonus is my dumb ass letting my heart think for itself. I'm so sensitive about almost everything she does, I feel sick about it. I wasn't like this at first, I need to fix myself and apologize. I need to let her know how I act is wrong.

I want to sleep na, but she hasn't responded to my chats and I feel so anxious about it. Nervous about tomorrows dentist appointment as well. Round 2 of trying to get this shitty tooth out of my mouth, I feel traumatized from the first attempt argh! Okay, I want to go to sleep na. Goodnight, I hope to God that I'll be alright.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Location: bed
Current Music: Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx

Entry tags:

love again.

A good ending?

Her parents finally know about us. Although we aren't officially together yet, we thought it would be a good thing to be honest to her parents about our interaction. And fortunately, they weren't mad. This is a new experience for me, every talking stage I've had with past girls end with either dumb stuff or family related reasons. However, now her family is okay with us! They were okay with us as long as we don't rush in to things and take it slow; finish our studies. Her parents liked my personality and I can't wait to be a lot closer with them! I'm happy, I really am. I'm higher than cloud9 right now. I hope this is it, I really hope God's finally given me a girl that he wants for me.

Current Mood: flirty
Current Location: bed

She hugged me

She was extra touchy today, in a non-inappropriate way. She leaned towards me; on my shoulder constantly, and we hugged. I hugged her back and we had a normal hug, I held her head and her waist while hugging and that's the best kind of hug. I'm so in love with her. She's very obsessed too. But, I don't want us to get distracted from our studies, so I told her that our next hug will be for a special occasion hehe.

Current Mood: anxious

Dopamine Detox

It's currently 5:20 AM and I'm trying to get my life back on track again. I've been noticing the lack of discipline and energy everyday and I've been staying very late at night for these past few months, so I need to change things up. I'll start studying at 6 AM and probably finish around 8:00 AM. I want to study for 2 hours, because I still have some other work to do. Around 8:30 AM to maybe around 12 PM I'll try to finish some parts of the photo album. Then afternoon til night I'll start studying again. Best of luck to me it's examinations tomorrow

Current Mood: sad

I don't like this

Why does she have to do this to me? Why does she have to make me overthink over and over again, but at the same time shows affection when we're face to face? This is very different, I don't like this, not even one bit.

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: dinning table
Current Music: Sailor Song | Gigi Perez

Will she ever actually love me

It's obvious that she likes me. Maybe just infatuation, but I don't know if there's any possibility that she'll ever actually fall for me. I guess, I'll just have to wait. Valentine's coming and I still don't have any plans. Maybe I'll write her a letter which I'll read in front of her and maybe some flowers and her favorite and some Yakult and other sweets. Who knows, I want to focus with my studies first. Exams are coming.

Current Mood: angry
Current Location: at my desk

Instant messaging my ass!

3 FUCKING HOURS! You reply after 3 hours like you were never gone for that long, what the hell?? I understand you're fucking busy, but you're so insensitive for not even apologizing. So much for the creation of instant messaging huh? Might as well snail-mail me the reply, damn!

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: blue - yung kai

I'm aware, but it still stings

Me and Enjae aren't really together. We both like each other, but we're only best friends; her parents are very strict so 'til we graduate uni, I can't really date her. More than a month has gone by and we're becoming more and more close to each other. She's now more open about her feelings about me and doesn't subtly hide it anymore like she used to. But, I always have to remind myself that we don't have a relationship, so there are times where I had to forget the things that she does/did that upsets me; I don't want her to think that I'm an obligation to comfort. However, it still hurts. It's still annoying and upsetting. I just I can actually tell her what I feel.

Current Mood: angry

Working sick

Finishing the last revision of our School Newspaper even though I'm sick right now. I was supposed to be absent today, but I had to because of an output we had to perform for Journalism Class. Upon entering the room, my classmates told me Sir wasn't even present, what a bitch! I forced myself to actually go to school and none of them told me that he wasn't even in class!

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Location: at my desk
Current Music: blue - yung kai

Expected too much

Happy new year! Or can you even call it "happy?" December 31, 2024; she barely talked to me. She's been like this for the past few days, she reasons out that she just slept the whole day. It just seems to me that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. What the heck? I don't know why, but I genuinely expected some kind of special message on the 1st of January, but now I just feel stupid. She gave me promises that I don't believe she can keep anymore. She gave me false hope, acted like there's a possibility, acted like she likes me so much. Now, I feel so "depressed." Maybe I'll sleep on it and talk to her tomorrow about it. Maybe I'll just focus on my studies, the original plan. I'll try to do some tasks today.

Annoying

What the heck is happening? She's all of the sudden like this, and it's affecting me real bad. I feel so stupid waiting for her like this, my current situation is just so fustrating. She used to talk to me always, replies really fast, cares about me a lot and always updates me with what's goin' on. Now it takes her almost an hour to wash her face and go to bed. This girl doesn't even reply to my texts in the morning anymore, she only messages me randomly some time afternoon now. It seems like to me, she only chats me when she needs attention or someone to talk to. I know we're not together, but damn why did she have to treat me the way she did non in the first place if ganito lang din pala during the "christmas" break. I feel so stupid, I feel like crap, I don't know what to do. I want to open up to Adrian, but he has his own problems and I don't want to be a burden. But I need to talk to someone about this, I feel like crap right now. May God guide me with this, I don't know if I can't take whatever bad outcome this will be. Please.. Enjae don't hurt me..

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Sailor Song | Gigi Perez

You just like the attention

I chat you, then you reply, I stop messaging, you start forgetting.

Slowly, I start to realize that maybe we only ever talk to each other because of me. She rarely starts the initiative of messaging me. Tonight, I told her to focus on her chores and message me after she's done. That was 5 hours ago, it's late at night - 11:34 PM - and she hasn't send a single word. Honestly, I'm still hoping that she will begin to develop actual feelings for me and not unsure infatuation. I don't want to start thinking that you only like the attention I'm giving you but you actually don't like me for who I am and how I treat you. But, I have high hopes that you are not like that. You're an innocent green flag church girl who I like so much, I can't imagine you hurting me in such way. However, who knows? I'll just have to live the moment and worry about the future later.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: at the living room
Current Music: She's got you high

Familiar sounds. Familiar places

I love the silence. I hate the silence

Sometimes I avoid certain things, places, movies, music, and even games because of how familiar it is. It makes me feel so away from home, and closer with the past. A silent environment, with just me and my thoughts alone is something I adore a lot. But, I hate it at the same time! Maybe it's a me problem, I get never ending thoughts on a lot of things that I should not even worry about, nor do I need to. I'm famished, tbh. I'll just eat and think about this later

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Location: At bed
Current Music: Date 2 - Radwimps

Goodnight

Entry before going to bed

It's been awhile [i think], a lot has happen tbh! I got good grades this year, earned a lot with my side gigs, currently talking to someone who makes me happy. It's been great! My photoshop editing has gotten a lot better, and I am more confident at "bragging" that I'm a graphic designer lol. Anyhow, it's time to go to bed, I don't know what else to add. A lot of problems sprung up obviously, but I'm doing fine so far.

Reminding to remind myself that I need to wake up 4am tomorrow and study AP and Physics, and I need to attend classes a lot earlier than usual today. Goodnight!

Feeling a bit loss

I'm not sure what to do
It happened again, broke down and called in sick today at school. I missed a very important group project and potentially more important lectures on my other classes. I honestly don't know why I can't stay consistent. I asked Gemini AI ( yes I know very sad ) and it said that I was setting unrealistic goals and should focus more on what's important and what I can so. That shit is so true, I can't believe how stupid I am to actually think I can achieve the highest grade. I'm better off with what I can do, besides I still have a chance for that scholarship anyway. For now, I want to rest and take care of myself, I feel a little sick aswell.

TIRED

5 due edits back to back

I'm tired of doing this shit, but I don't want to leave the org. I hate how I'm the only one who's actually willing to edit for the page, and when I try to ask for help I get rejected. I honestly hate them.

Busy today, Busy tomorrow

7 VIDEOS PENDING

The deadline's coming, and I am so stressed out! I don't know how I'll edit all of those videos without losing the quality of the edit. I loath my colleagues, they started filming and gathering information at the last minute, I'M THE ONE WHO'LL SUFFER BRUH! Grah, God help me!

Weird path

My dream career is to be a computer scientist, maybe even with a PHD. But, why did I start being a journalist? Despite my love in digital art; like photography; videography; graphic designs/layouts; I just wish I started in a science school. I just want to graduate and focus on what I like the most, just 3 more semesters and I'm done with journalism! I just want to stay up all night programming a buggy app with react native, or trying to learn SDL2 for the millionth time [ I could never get my brain to understand game theory ]. It's time to go to bed, goodnight brick wall.

Tired

Drained out, and stressed on the countless of things I have to get done for the week. What's even worse is that there were no rest given to us after the first semester, it's going to kill me LITERALLY. I need at least a week before everything! God be with me, sigh.

THINKPAD

I am in dying need of a thinkpad! The only reason I want it, is because it's portable. I have my own PC, and it's not like I can bring that massive crap anywhere with me, the idea of js going out and studying or programming at a cafe or at a resto is just amazing to me. I also js WANT a Thinkpad.