OKAY TURNS OUT I HAVE THIS BIG BIG PROCRASTINATION HABIT AND LISTENING TO LOTS OG MUSIC MAKES IT WORSE
AND I END UP DAYDREAMING AND DREAMING AND WANTING AND FORGETTING THE PRESENT. THIS IS MY. MAIN ISSUE WITH MYSELF. FROM NOW ON I CAN ONLY LISTEN TO CLASSICAL PIANO... AND I NEED TO KEEP A CLOSER EYE ON MY THOUGHTS.
AND DO SOME GODDAMN WORK! FEELING MOTIVATED!
today was quite fun besides the whole... maladaptive daydreaming episode.
typically it is about me playing my big bass on a stage with a friend chatting and chatting.
and i talk about how **cool** i am and how many tattoos i have and my vert cool past.
and how i have injected six metric tons of testosterone into my body and have cool scars running across my chest.
very very vain and very very.... overly perfect. it shows an underlying want for an idealized version of myself
and attention.. and self attained beauty. the last one i think is the main thing.
it is really jusy about being more mindful... need to practice more...
and a big source of it is forgetting what i really want... i want to create beautiful things. write beautifully, play beautifully.
not to be beautiful. not to tell stories of grandeur born of the ego..
god and now i can see how this fed into my terrible self worth in the past. i'd beat myself up with 
should and could and would.... instead of can's and will's....
how did i live like this? how did i make it this far...? it's a goddamned miracle...
this is the ugly part of me. the part that jumps to conclusions and endings.
hello, ugly part of me! remember that i love you! thank you for letting me recognize you!
let me look at you harder!

i have a lot of freedom. too much. no one is going to be there for me in the coming weeks.
why is this my default? why am i so cerebral...? i need to work on this or else i will fall into bad habits
in the coming weeks. i have seen it happen to me time and time again. i cannot let it happen again.

got a 100 on my exam today; went out to brunch with friends, had a nice big omelette.
noticing people is still easy.. feels like when i improve in one area i may be forgetting about the other?
hmmm. baseline happiness is dropping back into comfort zone....
i keep on procrastinating...... this is the main source. the real real killer.
i need to love my journal more than i love obsessively thinking! ugh!
i feel good though. i've caught it... caught it again. and it will slip out of my grasp again
and i will catch it again until i can keep it caught.... getting stronger each time...
cannot give up!

no walking for this week exams have me shaatttttt. that's a big player in it too.
god i NEED that bass. i'm going to buy it sometime next week. i have enough money and i need to keep busy over break.
hmmmmmm. one cannot exist without the other it seems. walking without bass or walking without working or working without bass playing.
i was very very happy when i had these three things and when one fell everything else did. so did my reading hours! i fell into the trance!
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. that's cool to notice, though. good!

oh my camera almost broke from being out in the rain today. i really love the cold weather combined with the rain.
i looooove the cold weather. what i love most about it is that it reminds me of my own warmth. i cannot forget the feeling of crying
in 12 degree weather. salty tears warm rolling down my cheeks. the sweetest feeling. sweeter than human touch...

started listening to spoken word poetry backed by music. focusing on the words helps sway the daydreams away
god. i lov eyou i trawl the megaherts.
cracking opem a new self help book on mtivation.. following through... getting shit done...

 tioday was very very nice spent time with friends did well on exams.
watched auditions. not very good at the ins and outs of theatre but i think everyone must have worked very hard to get to this point
forgot to study for exma tomorrow fuck it lol.
i'm tired. want break to come quicker
grasping clamped but i also cannot sleep for somereason
feelign extra grateful for thid new chapter
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
ugh.......
friday;;;; come quickly...

 easier day. slight bought of sadness in the late evening that dissipated quickly; brought on by remembering passing words.
got more done than yesterday and i walked. 22 mins 1 mile. faster time. ehhh still not a sprinter but i like the feeling in my legs
once i finish a LOT! 

feeling a little stressed with exams coming up and my serious procrastination catching up with me.
i mean it's not impossible i just have to do it. feeling good in the face of adversity
new carhartt jacket came.

instead of having to read self help books i've taken enough notes to just refer to my journal whenever
i need some sort of motivation or cheering up; played a big part in today.
i can't wait to practice socializing tomorrow... it's going to be so cold. i love the cold.
god, do i wear my gaudy rings or fingerless gloves??

not much to say. earning more money and saving it.
too hard to get me down, honestly.
feels good to respond with love over anything. so much goddamned love in this world.
i can really see the part i play in things! heheheheh.

my sleep schedule is still very skewed. i don't think i'll fall asleep until 2am tonight
unless i knock myself out with force.
i mean tomorrow seems easy enough; lots of work periods.. so i'll be okay to do what i've
been leaving for later or nap. but typically i find myself rarely napping at school.
and considering i'll get home later tomorrow night, the afternoon nap seems like less of a unconquerable demon.
things are going swimmingly.
life is pretty funny when you accept people the way they are and learn how to laugh at your own shortcomings.
i'm quite good at it. i just had to start doing it!
i struggle still with remaining mindful in conversation, and my initiative when i am alone.
however these are things i can improve. god, how each day gives us a new opportunity to try!

death is my master and time is my mentor.. these ideas especially tend to get me going.
focusing on myself is so nice. i wish everyone could realize this.
love love love! it's all about love!

 i just woke up from like a six hour nap
huuuuuh got a 97 on dat apush test
observantof ht e self i twirl my hair whenever i am lost in thought
which is a lot of the time. cool that i could notice it with my hair put back and thining ohhh that's when.
today was good. i saw a lady driving and curling her hair at the same time and i discovered that a friend
was going through the same situation i was.

noticed i have fallen back into comfort this week through the means of putting off my assignments and forgetting to walk.
this is because it has been a busy week; it is not anymore. i regret taking that nap.
i feel restless and i know i can channel all that energy into my work.

at least i am being smarter with my money. hmmm
exams ecxams exams exams my god!

hmm today was a bit of an off day with my actions
will get up and try again now that i;ve awoken
but all i really want to do is read and study photos since
i;ve been deprived of this pleasure all week..
playing to my strengths instead of fooling around how i used to
feels pretty good. all i do for leisure lately is read and write,
and i enjoy it greatly. i am a voracious devourer of books.
it is quite obvious i am proud of this fact.
i'm like 47% done with the robert greene book. and i picked up what? earlier this week?
all i do is fucking read this is awesome i love seeing the ticker of progress go up and know
that it is my knowledge also going up. same for filling up notebooks
i am unsure why this is harder to transfer to my schoolwork.

i need to respond to people on my phone in a timely manner and develop self discipline.
and some long term perseverance for the days i don't want to do shit.

it is hard to like ... catch my brain right now. probably because i just woke up. will update later in the night.

i feel really out of it today. i can't stomach anything but read and i feel ever so slightly ill.
probably karma, realistically it is merely part of being a human person during a period of large
discomforts and change.
i have this urge to lay in bed and mope and let my monkey brain
run in circles but i know i can't feed myself that.
plus, the shit i tell myself when i do isn't even true. i have such a negative bias,
i have to keep going.. i will never take an afternoon nap ever again.
old wounds are bubbling up. i have to journal, meditate... remember and recalibrate.
happens every once in a while but now that i can do something about it instead of letting it
build i know how to handle it.

okay handled the feelings. i'm getting better at this.
just going to read and listen to music.
oh and look up how to do men's makeup i guess. you've got me fucked up if you think
i'm doing a full face. ordered some primer + highlighter + concealer i know my shade
since i already have a foundation ... and mascara and eyeliner
i'm just kind of wet behind the ears when it comes to the application process.
i always want to put eyeliner on my waterline but then i get really svared and sticj it into my eye.

today was lovely; once you being to see everything as an opportunity and privilege it is beautiful. especially seeing work as an opportunity to continue doing better and better and to learn new things has kept me from procrastination.
i did very minimal work today though, since it is the first day i have felt a bit like i am able to breath and observe myself, which is what i've
been doing all day. i am remembering to be more attentive and give off positive body language in conversation. i slouch a lot when
i am alone, and i've been trying to work on that... it's fun listening and understanding how people's backgrounds and early relationships in life
make them work, and seeing that cause and effect in myself is exciting, because i know i will be able to see it in others too with enough practice. people are the best type of puzzle and i believe reading body language cues are my favorite part of it. noticing a slight pursing of the lips that expresses a displeasure or a dilation or shine in the pupils is particularly obvious to me, alongside noticing positions of the legs and hands, gestures, and facial expressions due to having observed my little dogs for so long alongside chickens, hamsters, strays, and cows. however i lack in the area of reading the reasoning for it. but i know now that there is a reason for every movement... however i am extremely aware that my predictions are something still very wet behind the ears and i should not be making decisions based on those yet. i am working on identifying context and individual meanings and cultural backgrounds in order to identify these meanings more confidently, but i am not so good at it yet. it's so much fun to play to other people and make them feel validated, because then they do the same! there are yes/no, dominance/submission, and some other one i cannot remember right now.
i have a lot of fun mirroring people's social cues to fully understand their view of what i have said. i fall into synchrony a lot; i am good at being relaxed enough to do so when speaking to just about anyone. he he he. i want to be genuine friends with everyone!

regarding my observations of myself, i am such the tortured artist type.... well that is the nature of my character when i am egotistical.
i am also very sensitive. it used to be that i would take everything towards me as a slight, but directing that sensitivity outwards has helped me
greatly in my experiences with others and improving my empathy. i have become less of the worrying type, but it is something i am prone to alongside self deprecation before i read that radical acceptance book and put some self love and meditation into practice. i unconsciously
overcompensate for my reservedness by being outspoken and without tact... i struggle with impulsive behaviors. not the type that would harm me severely like before, such as smoking pot or making large purchases, but now it is more like speaking without thinking or letting time pass by and allowing myself to get caught up in my thoughts. esteemed reader, i could share with you the origins of these behaviors but i believe i get personal enough as is on this little corner on the internet. all i really need to know is that these are the current facts of who i am, and that they are malleable parts of the self. and despite that i treat them with compassion and accountability.

turning my attention inward feels more natural than it did before. same with outwards. how exciting it is to me that i get to discover how to play the game of life with a bit more of an advantage.

i learn new things everyday. they typically make me happy in the long run when i am initially upset at them. well i guess here i am talking abotu what one would consider "bad news." but knowing that time marches makes me feel happy, and knowing that as long as i keep my cheerful and resilient traits they will not be an issue. when i received this news i felt pity for the other party. the behavior will inevitably end up hurting themselves and their relationships around them... and i felt a kind of joy when i realized the situation gave me an opportunity to respond in a way that reflects my new way of thinking. so i kind of jus threw it out of my mind once i realized this because it's not like i care enough to do something about it anyways besides be kind. i am a lot harder to upset than before.

haaaah got an 87 on that math test. the exam will boost my grade up to a mid b if i perform well enough. i am ecstatic at this development.
honestly i am ecstatic about everything revolving me. it all ends up being for the best! today was nice and calm and predictable, except for what i did just before writing this entry.  i went out arouund 6 to get some coffee with my butler and visit our other barista friend ; they gave us two free drinks! i got an blended triple p rebel from dutch bros, and my butler the cookie craze latte. picked up some blended lattes for my parents too. feels good to pay them back somewhat, even if it's just a FRACTION of what they;ve dfone forf me

had this big conversation with my mother which aligned exactly with what i've taught myself about life. holyt shit i really do have it all so so good.
figured out situation after hs and it all seems quite simplistic and good in the long run.sje's set up so much for me and all i have to do is run it!
feelign good and more motivated to work than ebfore. i am glad she worked so hard...god. i coudl; go on and on about my youth which i find myself almost doing in this entry; maybe aniother day.

TO DO
physics overdue work
study for apush + flascards
ap lang essay
app spanish literature comprehension quesrtions
yearbook interview scheduling (get phtoos at choir concert of photographer and vdieographer.)

okay so TURNS OUT i'm working the basketball game but i'm doing spotlights AND cameras..
and i have to do it all over again tomorrow, then sing on thursday.
i'm really excited for the homecoming game.
i don't think i'll go to the dance. well i don't know how i'll feel then
but i already have a nice blazer i bought just now for it so
who really knows. if enough of my friends go i will
or if i merely feel the desire to... i am a whimsical girl.
pLUS I WOULD GET TO TAKE PICTURES OKAY
i've convinced myself.
at least i like the concerts and recording. flooow state!!!!
got invited to a summer program on media team.
hung out with people i typically wouldn't. ate well. going home late againa nd iahave to stay up all night to do my homework... "it didn't sound like you.." this quote has remained in my head all day. because it wasn;t me. it was 
narcissistic ego self me. god. so glad i'm making change. i resemble my father when i forget who i am
when i fall into the grave i resemble him. ifeel like i am a little bit more like my mother, in recent.
well in the strength sense. well i resemble both of them yes. but in so drastically different ways
i'm so glad i have them
 my heart feels a little fuller than usual.... the joys of love. can't wait to see my favorite player again.
i hope she knows i'm cheering for her because she's the best player on the team and not out of some weird
malice or anything. that'd be mad weird. expanding my circles dude!!!!!
 i'm so tired. i'll update this later in more detail, probably.
glad i am the bigger person. i am able to observe people and when they get irrational now
and when i myself do also.... i still have some difficulty being able to step back before i speak
but i think my conversational skills have improved overall. all about practice!
i have a lot of work due tomorrow that;s getting half done.
today the moon is in the waning gibbous.

it;s a bit later and my heart feels full yet  not heavy. does that make sense? like i am free of emotional heaviness.
this is what happiness is i think; a neutral state of contentment that i return to always.

no walkinbg no bass fuck this shjit i;n so tired.
oh i edited some photos though and got started on my midterm study guide for math
AND I FIONIISHED MY PHYSICS LAB!!!

laws of human nature has been teaching me empathy somethign that. i believed i lacked ever since i was
a young girl. which i don;t because im not a total psychopath im just really bad at expressing it and utilizing it.

 finally realized the importance... well not realized. but i suppose experienced? the real joy of studying math today. while studying
it was the last subject i was having some resistance with still. but it's just a very nice series of steps.
i really like statistics. i was able to do a lot of it by my head by the time i was done studying which really excited me
and then the fact that by doing this i get smarter and better and closer to my goals and more assured in my skills
kept me studying for a lot longer than i typically would.
what a big win! i got a lot done.

bass is broken. remember that amp input issue? it's gotten worse. the audio output
makes this loud high pitched ringing noise. i want to play but i cannot without giving myself 
tinnitus. i have enough to buy a new one, i'd just have to wait for it to arrive. i mean i could still practice
but i can't hear the sound and tone of my notes very well. and i don't want to practice wrong..
more pins came. i love my bag.

ehhh kind of lied about the monday game. just going to show up tuesday. i got really caught up last night
that i forgot to do my yearbook work but hey. i have tuesday.
no point in over extending myself when i'll be all done
just working one more game. which is the homecoming game that everyone goes to so i'll have more fun
that way. i could also work senior night, but i'm unsure
and then there's the choir concert this thursday. i need to manage
my time like i have borrowed it this week. because i effectively have.

looked over some of my images from the past year. threw away the sd card in favor of ones that save images far more quickly.
exported what i liked left what i didn't to rot. i don't know. i don't like the quality of work that i've been creating
it's not terrible or bad; there is no such thing as a "bad photographer" (however if you catch me on a day where i feel
spiteful and vindictive, i can tell you exactly what habits constitute one.) my work just needs work. which i am
perversely happy about. i am too excited to get better.
i want to take better images. bought those new sd cards and i need some lens filters too.

walked a mile in 36 minutes. before iwas kind of walking without any goal in mind but i want to see HOW FAST i can possibly walk a mile.
now i'm not a sprinter or anything. but i've been doing well.. rhis is my first time so i have no clue how i'll compare
in the coming days. but i know i'll get better and that's why i can't give up.

found a nice pinball simulator video game. i dunno. video games feel nice, but i get bored of them quicker now.
especially these pinball ones. the real deal is the best thing.
i think i've properly fallen in love with myself. i'm able to hold life like it's a beautiful girl.

i'm tuckered out. i think i'll just finish up studying for another class, read, study some photography, and then head to bed. what a good day!
oh and i've been rediscovering old music that i stopped listening to because i was afraid of someone close to me would think... no one's even
ever looking that hard. i don't know why i tried so hard to push down parts of myself for someone else. i am so grateful i don't have to do that anymore; some people are just lessons. and i love to learn and focus on the next lesson when i understand the last. but it's not like reviewing is detrimental. what does this metaphor even mean people ar emore than lessons my fucking god ughhhggh. still working on that whole thing. but rediscovering myself feels good.

i've journaled here for 19 days in a row and a lot more frequently than before. it's nice to talk to myself
and recognize what i do.. heheheh. only 2h of reading left in 101 essays that will change your life.
honestly the self help books are getting a little repetitive. this one goes on and on about
what behaviors harm you a lot but i want to know how to get BETTER. not how to get worse. i can
recognize them and stop them yes... give me a journaling exercise!!